Look Out

Apparently a tornado blew through NY yesterday.  It pretty much just passed me right by but I did get some massive lightening and thunder as well as torrential downpours.  I was at my office too, which is about 30 floors up and right outside my window, I could see the chaos of the storm so perfectly and so beautifully.  I love big storms, I love the possibilities they hold, the excitement they provoke, the way they push people into caring for other people, and how peace emerges after it's done.

Now, I'm not talking like massive natural disasters here - I just mean the ones that you by surprise with the crazy weather they bring.  I've gone through several pretty massive earthquakes and a couple of minor blizzards, but that's the worst of it.  I can't imagine what's it's like to experience that next level of storminess - and thats ok with me.

Part of the reason I love storms so much, especially thunder and lightening, is because they are so fierce, so dramatic, and so dangerously thrilling, but once over and gone, so relieving.  I'm watching and waiting, and hoping to make it through to the end.  For me, this is a lot like being manic.  Everything takes on a new edge and is dangerously thrilling and I'm so involved in the chaos...but part of me is just waiting for that second it breaks to breathe a deep sigh of relief.

Please do not feed the Bipolars

I totally wish that subject said Polar Bears instead of bipolar.  Unfotunately they are not at all alike. I love polar bears.

I like to read headlines and kind of keep up with new research or conclusions reached about Bipolar Disorder and the people who deal with it. I wanted to share this article that I read on www.medicalnewstoday.com based on research from the Karolinska Institutet:
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/200201.php

I'm glad that we're non-violent, but it appears that whole illegal drugs thing ain't so good. Who would've guessed?

I understand the prevalence amongst the crazy, but I have a lot of trouble with the consequences.  But that's a topic for another night....in the meantime, just some food for thought.

The Blood Test Chronicles

As part of the whole bipolar/being medicated thing, I get to be a pincushion  and have blood tests every 3 months or so to make sure my medication is at theraputic levels and to make sure it's not affecting my body and whatnot too much. It's another superfun aspect of the disorder.

Anyway, since I started my role as pincushion about 3 years ago, I've had an absurd amount of ridiculous stories come out of it.  Almost every single blood test has been it's own crazy adventure and I'd like to share those with all of you.

Here's story 1:

I had recently moved to the area I live in now, recently started with my doctor, and was going for my first blood test in this neighborhood.  I hadn't started working yet so I decided to go during the day to avoid crowds since this lab didn't accept appointments.  Now, as a little background, I have relatively low blood pressure and it's not really the best idea for me to give up a lot of blood.  You know, if I can avoid it.  I meant to go during the morning, but I was being a lazy ass and didn't get going until around 1:00 or so.  I also didn't know if I was supposed to be fasting or not, so I decided to err on the side of caution and hadn't eaten.  Generally, just to get med levels tested it's not necessary, but for a full blood panel, that's standard procedure.  I've been burned before by that rule.

So I make my way to the lab, where despite my careful planning about time, I find the space jam packed full of people and I'm told I can't do anything but sit and wait.  After an hour of this, while my stomach grumbles away, I'm finally called in and hold out my arm to start the draining. For reasons still unbeknownst to me, they ended up taking 6 vials worth of blood, which is a lot comparitively, and it left me feeling not so fresh.  The nurse told me I was looking a little pale and asked if I wanted to stay there for a couple minutes, but at this point I was tired, hungry, and just ready to leave so I said I was fine and walked out. As I was walking to my subway station I started feeling even more tired and woozy and started to get a little nervous about it. I got to the escalator and held on to the side as I headed downstairs and.....
Next thing I know, I'm on the ground with a homeless guy and a cop looking at me from above.  The second I saw that, I wished I would black out again.  The homeless guy looked at me astonished and said, "I saw you fall!  All of a sudden you just keeled over and fell down the last few steps of the escalator." Meanwhile, the cop was giving me a couple of suspicious glances and said, with a meaningful glance at my arm where a very small bruise and needle mark were apparent, "Is everything ok? Is there a problem here?"

I struggled to my feet, bright red and wishing I could sink through the ground, and managed to assure both the cop and the homeless guy I was fine and explained I had just had a blood test on an empty stomach.  Then after getting some water and diet coke from the drugstore, I took my ridiculous self home.

The End....for now.

Statistics Sunday

General Overview:

1. Bipolar disorder affects approximately 5.7 million adult Americans, or about 2.6% of the U.S. population age 18 and older every year. 
2. An equal number of men and women develop bipolar illness and it is found in all ages, races, ethnic groups and social classes.
3. Although bipolar disorder is equally common in women and men, research indicates that approximately three times as many women as men experience rapid cycling. 
4. Some 20% of adolescents with major depression develop bipolar disorder within five years of the onset of depression.
5. 54% of people believe depression and depressive disorders are a personal weakness.
6. Bipolar disorder is a recurrent condition. More than 90% of individuals who have a single manic episode go on to have future episodes.
7. About 60-70% of manic or hypomanic episodes occur before or after a major depressive episode.
8. Participation in a DBSA patient-to-patient support group improved treatment compliance by almost 86% and reduced in-patient hospitalization.
9. Consumers who report high levels of satisfaction with their treatment and treatment provider have a much more positive outlook about their illness and their ability to cope with it.

From:
http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=about_statistics_bipolar
NIMH

With a little research, the basics of bipolar can be easily discovered.  But statistics don't tell you everything - they don't tell you what it's like to live with it and while they tell you that you're not alone, they don't tell you how to handle your diagnosis on your own. I think being informed is essential and helpful, but I think our own experiences and emotions shape what we do with that information.

Crazy can be fun.  It doesn't have to own you.

The Enemy

For me, for my emotional stability, the enemy is boredom.  I cannot be bored because that's when my mind starts working overtime and goes crazy.

I'm not talking boredom like "oh, there's not much going on at work" or "Sunday afternoon and I'm just sitting around".  While I can be bored during those times as well, that's a temporary boredom and quite frankly, isn't a major problem for me.  I've always been pretty good at entertaining myself and am quite content to just sit by myself - during periods of mental stability, anyway.

When I say I can't be bored, I mean that I must always have something going on - a project, an idea, something to occupy my time and my mind all the time.  Something I can always have in the back of my head to work on and think about, even while I'm doing other things.  It fills the empty spaces.  Usually, it's something personal, something I'm interested in and have a desire to do or learn about.  It lets me have something to look forward to, to dream about and think about.  It gives me hope. Even if I'm having an off day or if I'm floating too far off in a world of my own, it's a concrete thing that will anchor me, even if it's only in my head.

Boredom makes me my own enemy.

Friday = Funday!!

Good evening all!

In celebration of Friday, in lieu of a lengthy emotional examination, here is a quiz that popped up when I googled bipolar fun:

http://www.funtrivia.com/playquiz/quiz265751280.html

I wouldn't exactly call it fun - I doubt you'll be rolling on the floor with laughter - but I found out a few interesting factoids, and I hope you do too! Gotta say, my 50 percent score was more than a little disappointing...yikes...but now I can say I learned something today. I just have to remember it.

Today was a good day.  Very mild, quite even-tempered, relaxed and happy without a driven edge to it - a couple of minor thwacks of anxiety, but nothing to write home about.  I like days like this.

The Formal Introduction

Greetings, All!

So, after a little bit of an accidental mini-break, I am back on my meds and RIP-RARIN' TO GO!
Well, sort of.  Close enough anyway.

Let's start this journey!

This is the first day of my blog, and I must admit, I am pretty excited about it.  I figured with the restarting of all my meds and whatnot, as well as generally trying to bring a little more structure into my life, this could be a really good thing for me and hopefully, not just for me.  There's a lot that can be read about Bipolar Disorder(s) and information on meds, therapies, etc., but it's a little harder to get the personal perspective and to me, that feeling of connection, of recognition of someone else's words has always been beyond reassuring.  They've been straws to grasp at.

Melodrama aside and speaking of medication, here's the nitty-gritty:
I'm diagnosed as Bipolar II - meaning instead of full-blown mania, I tend to cycle into hypomania which is similar, but generally less intense and usually doesn't tip over into full delusion - more along the lines of lots of energy and desire for chaos.  I'm sure this will get discussed more in-depth as I go along.

I'm also considered to be rapid-cycling. Basically, I go back and forth from hypomania and depression very quickly - sometimes in a matter of days, even hours.  For those who are unfamiliar, that doesn't mean that I'm bouncing back and forth all the time, 365 days a year.  I have periods of non-extremes as well.  Those just aren't as worth talking about :)

The medications I'm currently on are Lithium, Lamictal, Wellbutrin, Klonopin and Restoril.  For me, the Klonopin and Restoril, while generally taken every day, don't need to be and are kind of on an as-needed basis to deal with anxiety and insomnia, respectively.  The rest are  musts every day.  This is just my personal medicinal schedule and what has been prescribed to me.  Please don't assume this will also work for you.  Also, please don't come find me and rob me for my pills.  I need them.

So anyway, those are the basics of my disorder. Good to know, but really just the background to what this is about - the day to day life of a Bipolar. It's pretty crazy.