Wednesday, November 24, 2010


Yesterday, there was hope.

Paranoia is already setting in.  As well as my feeling like I need to defend my intense need for freedom.

You know what else is "in-tense"? Boy Scouts.

Man, that joke works better when you just say it aloud.

Apparently nervous tension is also showing its face.  What fun for me!!

Tempted to try taking another anxiety pill, but really it won't do much - it such a bad thing to have nervous jitters when talking about potentially liking someone?

Oh right. Yes - in fact, it kind of sucks.

In the meantime, getting excited for a holiday weekend! I hope everyone has something to be thankful for.  If you are in the unhappy position of not feeling like you do, please believe me when I say that will eventually change.  There will be a time, probably sooner than you believe, where there will be something worth saying thank you for.

I promise.

Monday, November 22, 2010

New Start

Dating and relationships are hard under the best of circumstances.  Being bipolar - well, I wouldn't call it the best of circumstances.  I generally shy away from anything that might be a romantic connection because I hate the idea of wondering how they feel, how I feel, if I can control my moods around them, and if I should tell them - hey, I'm crazy.  There is NO good time to bring that up.  Someone let me know if you've found otherwise.

The stress of it actually can be a trigger for me and make me uberparanoid.  About everything.  I also have serious doubts about my ability to withstand heartbreak.  Now, I know I don't need to enter every relationship thinking about the what ifs and jumping into the future...but quite frankly, I find it fairly difficult to just completely ignore it.  To some degree, I must be utterly girly and overanalyze.  But because I hate this, I usually avoid it.

Usually.  Recently, in an effort to take more chances and to determine what it is I want and like in my life, I agreed to meet a couple new people.  One of whom I met tonight.

All I can say is I am certainly glad I did. We will see what happens.

Monday, November 15, 2010

So I don't believe in god*

or any other higher beings, so to speak.  I believe there are things humanity doesn't understand and certain mysteries....but yeah.  In my set of beliefs, a celestial or group of celestial beings doesn't really factor in.  I spent a lot of time and effort coming to that conclusion and while it's not always the most comfortable, it is what has made sense and continues to make sense for me.

Don't be fooled though - in a nice atheistic twist, I do pray.  Not to anything, not with the expectation of being heard and definitely not with hopes of an answer.  For me, prayer is really a way for me to speak to myself.  I hear voices, not in the schizophrenic way although hey....I'm not ruling anything out, but in a way that the various aspects of myself are reflected and together they suss out for what I'm looking for. It's a way for me to determine my wishes, whatever they may be., my prayer is to have the courage to live life beyond it's boundaries and to exist outside the lines.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

It's getting colder....

One of my less favorite aspects of living in New York is winter.  I'm from California....Southern California.  For most of my life, winter was a chilly 55 degrees with some fog and rain.  Despite the fact that this is now my 8th winter on the East Coast and my 4th actually in NY with commute involved....I'm still not used to the snow, slush, coats on and off, scarves, gloves, hats, extra wardrobe bulk, freeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzing cold.  I have to fight the urge to hibernate every winter.

 My winter laziness should not be confused for Seasonal Affective Disorder however, or even as a trigger.  I've wondered about that, but as far as I can tell, my cycles don't follow any sort of seasonal or weather patterns. It's almost too bad because at least that would help establish some kind of baseline pattern that would help in control.  On the other hand, I'd hate to dread the change of seasons.  That's one of my favorite parts of living here....I actually get to experience, see, and live the seasons.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


I was so so so angry all day today.  I didn't even realize it until all of a sudden at the end of the day when I thought about how physically and emotionally tired I felt.

UGH. Normally I shake things off pretty quickly but I was just so mired in my annoyance and hostility that I couldn't even pull myself out of it enough to realize I was feeling like that.

Note: Listening to Eminem does not help in these situations.

Because of unrealized crankiness, I almost cut out something that could become a good part of my life just because I was feeling the angry exhaustion without knowing there was a cause.  Even if that cause is relatively unjusftified and needless anger - at least it's a cause. I've got to start paying better attention to the signals my insides send myself.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


Do you ever feel like you dream just a little too big? Create too many options in your mind for yourself?

I approve of dreaming. I think it is a necessity for having a certain kind of happiness.  But, I must does occasionally make reality a little harder.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Wondrous Wednesday

This sums up a lot of things for me right now:

I'm really loving this video.  Not only do I love Modest Mouse and especially this song, I'm fascinated by the images the creator(s) chose to go along with the song.

Please note I in no way own this video, the music, or any images.  No copyright infringement intended.