snap

My current work situation is not ideal, to put it mildly.  It's not a bad job, it really isn't, and in many ways, it offers me the flexibility I need in terms of being more productive or less productive as need be.  But there are a lot of things that bother me and frustrate me to the point where they become impossible to ignore. Worse, they are making me actively feel unhappy, dissatisfied, and negative. Even worse than that, I notice myself taking it out on people at work.  Not in clear defined ways, but I'm snappy and short-tempered which is the opposite of what I usually am, and as my job involves a lot of interaction with people, it's a bad combination.

I'm never outright mean, but there are times I react more strongly than necessary when someone is irritating me or being otherwise irrational. I don't turn into a raving lunatic, but I do lose patience and it shows.  Whenever this happens, I then have to deal with feeling guilty.  Sometimes I think my guilt is unwarranted because I'm overly patient and too much of a people pleaser anyway, so it's not a bad thing for me to be pushy or not overextend myself to deal with nonsense.  Other times, I can't help it, I completely regret my tone of voice or attitude the second that moment is over.  I regret it even more when I realize it's borne more out of frustration with my job or situation in general rather than the person I'm dealing with. It's not their fault I'm unhappy so I need to not let them feel the consequences.

Anyway, I had that moment again today - where I was being impatient with someone who was frustrating me, so I snapped at them, and then immediately felt guilty.  The frustration was warranted, but in reality, I was reacting to a series of emails from a supervisor who wasn't listening to what I was saying.  Ugh.  Instant bad feelings and even more resentment and unhappiness.  Bad cycle.

Then on the subway home, a stranger told me, "I just wanted to tell you you have a soft beautiful face".

Ok then.