Follow-up

Yesterday, there was hope.
Today....

Paranoia is already setting in.  As well as my feeling like I need to defend my intense need for freedom.

You know what else is "in-tense"? Boy Scouts.

Man, that joke works better when you just say it aloud.

Apparently nervous tension is also showing its face.  What fun for me!!

Tempted to try taking another anxiety pill, but really it won't do much - besides....is it such a bad thing to have nervous jitters when talking about potentially liking someone?

Oh right. Yes - in fact, it kind of sucks.

In the meantime, getting excited for a holiday weekend! I hope everyone has something to be thankful for.  If you are in the unhappy position of not feeling like you do, please believe me when I say that will eventually change.  There will be a time, probably sooner than you believe, where there will be something worth saying thank you for.

I promise.

So. ANGRY.

I was so so so angry all day today.  I didn't even realize it until all of a sudden at the end of the day when I thought about how physically and emotionally tired I felt.

UGH. Normally I shake things off pretty quickly but I was just so mired in my annoyance and hostility that I couldn't even pull myself out of it enough to realize I was feeling like that.

Note: Listening to Eminem does not help in these situations.

Because of unrealized crankiness, I almost cut out something that could become a good part of my life just because I was feeling the angry exhaustion without knowing there was a cause.  Even if that cause is relatively unjusftified and needless anger - at least it's a cause. I've got to start paying better attention to the signals my insides send myself.

Wondrous Wednesday

This sums up a lot of things for me right now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6vVR63iwMg&p=E206F8B11787820B&playnext=1&index=69

I'm really loving this video.  Not only do I love Modest Mouse and especially this song, I'm fascinated by the images the creator(s) chose to go along with the song.

Please note I in no way own this video, the music, or any images.  No copyright infringement intended.

snap

My current work situation is not ideal, to put it mildly.  It's not a bad job, it really isn't, and in many ways, it offers me the flexibility I need in terms of being more productive or less productive as need be.  But there are a lot of things that bother me and frustrate me to the point where they become impossible to ignore. Worse, they are making me actively feel unhappy, dissatisfied, and negative. Even worse than that, I notice myself taking it out on people at work.  Not in clear defined ways, but I'm snappy and short-tempered which is the opposite of what I usually am, and as my job involves a lot of interaction with people, it's a bad combination.

I'm never outright mean, but there are times I react more strongly than necessary when someone is irritating me or being otherwise irrational. I don't turn into a raving lunatic, but I do lose patience and it shows.  Whenever this happens, I then have to deal with feeling guilty.  Sometimes I think my guilt is unwarranted because I'm overly patient and too much of a people pleaser anyway, so it's not a bad thing for me to be pushy or not overextend myself to deal with nonsense.  Other times, I can't help it, I completely regret my tone of voice or attitude the second that moment is over.  I regret it even more when I realize it's borne more out of frustration with my job or situation in general rather than the person I'm dealing with. It's not their fault I'm unhappy so I need to not let them feel the consequences.

Anyway, I had that moment again today - where I was being impatient with someone who was frustrating me, so I snapped at them, and then immediately felt guilty.  The frustration was warranted, but in reality, I was reacting to a series of emails from a supervisor who wasn't listening to what I was saying.  Ugh.  Instant bad feelings and even more resentment and unhappiness.  Bad cycle.

Then on the subway home, a stranger told me, "I just wanted to tell you you have a soft beautiful face".

Ok then.

Look Out

Apparently a tornado blew through NY yesterday.  It pretty much just passed me right by but I did get some massive lightening and thunder as well as torrential downpours.  I was at my office too, which is about 30 floors up and right outside my window, I could see the chaos of the storm so perfectly and so beautifully.  I love big storms, I love the possibilities they hold, the excitement they provoke, the way they push people into caring for other people, and how peace emerges after it's done.

Now, I'm not talking like massive natural disasters here - I just mean the ones that you by surprise with the crazy weather they bring.  I've gone through several pretty massive earthquakes and a couple of minor blizzards, but that's the worst of it.  I can't imagine what's it's like to experience that next level of storminess - and thats ok with me.

Part of the reason I love storms so much, especially thunder and lightening, is because they are so fierce, so dramatic, and so dangerously thrilling, but once over and gone, so relieving.  I'm watching and waiting, and hoping to make it through to the end.  For me, this is a lot like being manic.  Everything takes on a new edge and is dangerously thrilling and I'm so involved in the chaos...but part of me is just waiting for that second it breaks to breathe a deep sigh of relief.

Roses are red, violets are blue... F*** you, whore

Every time I've flipped through all the cable channels lately, I've run across (500) Days of Summer - which is where the above line came from.  I saw it when it was out in theatres, saw it again since then when a friend rented it, and now I catch bits and pieces of it whenever it's been on lately.  I really like it - but at the same time, each time I watch it, I wonder if I can sit through certain parts of it again. Basically, any of the parts that so excellently capture the unhappiness and uncertainty that relationships and life can have. I just feel so much empathy for the characters that it can be hard to watch, even though it's so worth it.

Tonight, because I basically didn't have anything else to do and because my netflix instant play was on the fritz and I didn't know how to fix it, when I was going through the channels and saw that it was coming on in a few minuts, I decided to stay on the channel and watch the whole thing through.  (p.s. if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm one of those people who can watch/listen to things over and over and over again). When I was watching it, it struck me how often the more negative emotional scenes were the funniest scenes in the film.  Again, see title above.  Now, I realize part of this is to keep the film from being overly maudlin and to keep good pacing, and also just because the writers were clearly clever, but I think it can also be true in real life.

Our more negative emotions, especially when we indulge them, can frequently lead to the ridiculous and also to a lot of honesty, shadowed by emotion though it may be.  At least mine do.  It's not a bad thing, it's just when I'm feeling certain ways, I tend to be a lot more blindly honest and because it's so real, it can be a lot funnier.  Barriers are gone and so is the expected.

It's a good movie is basically what I'm saying.